Zen and the art of ... kissing?

B keeps telling me that I'm an incredible kisser. He's not the first to comment on that. So being the analyst that I am, I decided to figure out how I kiss, what makes it different and pass on this knowledge. Now there are two basic kinds of kissing. The intimate kind, where it is almost a sex act unto itself, and the accessory kind, where the physical act is in control, and kissing is just a part of that. I'm going to speak to the intimate kind, because that's where most people just flat out suck at it.

1. Relax. I hate it when guys tighten up their lips in some twitchy pucker. There are thousands of nerve endings in your lips. Tightening them up just makes the sensitivity drop! So never, ever pucker up!

2. Little/No Tongue. If your just kissing, and not in the throws of passion, then less is definitely more. Like sex, putting your tongue in someone's mouth has intimate overtones. Just as you wouldn't just walk up and shove your dick in someones ass [speaking generally], starting a kiss and throwing tongue into it too soon can be a setback. See #3.

3. Work up to it. Kissing has it's own version of foreplay, just like sex. Lightly kissing, brushing lips together. Take a few seconds and enjoy your partners lips touching yours [unpuckered, See #1]. Use your lips the same as you would your hands, letting them glide over your partners. Take their bottom lip in yours and pull gently. You can start adding a touch of tongue here. Now that doesn't mean shove it down their throat. But use it to reach out and caress their lips. It's all about exploration.

4. Let the passion build naturally. Kissing will lead to some other intimate act. Even if it's just a damn good good-bye kiss in the morning. So don't rush the feeling or the intensity. It'll get there on it's own. Remember, there are two of you doing this. Back and forth, sensing each others level of intensity and adding a bit more to yours. This can be quick or incredibly slow and sensual. Doesn't matter as long as you both do it together.

5. Don't forget the rest of their body! Moving from their lips, over to their ears, down the side of their neck. Mmmmm. ADVANCED TIP: Learn to use your teeth. There is nothing like the feeling of my partners breath on my neck followed by the feeling of their teeth just scraping against my skin. Then their warm tongue just barely touching as they move up to that spot just behind my ear. DAMN.

6. Practice makes perfect. This may seem like a rehash, but it isn't. Literally, take a day, such as a Saturday and spend the whole day kissing. You'd be more than happy to do it with sex, so why not do it with the most important preceding act? Communicate what you do and don't like about your partners technique. But keep in mind this is a learning experience. You have to be comfortable and confident.

7. Want some gum? You don't know how much of a mood kill it is to start kissing and then have to deal with less than pleasant breath. Now, granted, sometimes that freaky mood hits you in the morning, and getting up to brush could kill the moment. But there are some things to do to make sure you minimize the likelihood that your breath is a deal breaker.

• brush your teeth
• brush your tongue What? Yes, brushing your tongue will remove a great deal of the bacteria that cause bad breath. Think about it. The bacteria aren't growing on your teeth. They are growing where it's warm and wet. YOUR TONGUE. Especially at the back. And it's good practice on losing your gag reflex!
  
• use a mouthwash occasionally There are some new washes out there that aren't full of alcohol, so they are much easier to use. And there aren't many good bacteria in your mouth anyway. So kill 'em all!

Basically, kissing is like any other part of the relationship. You have to work at it. And if you're good at it, you can start with a kiss and then get pretty much whatever you want. Trust me on this one. ;-)

One week down

It has been one week since the ex got home. I know, I know. No more posts about drama. But this isn't a drama post. This is a journal entry. Apparently there is a phase in the healing process where you don't want to date, or even get physical with anyone. Well, guess where I'm at! LOL. I have my sense of humor and my appetite. I'm not angry or depressed (for the most part). But I have found myself not really getting exciting at pics of hot guys, or studs in the shower at the gym. Even my ex, who has been the defining role of what I enjoy sexually for the past 6 years, doesn't seem to spark it for me. [Granted, if B were here, things might be a bit different.] But I'm realizing that this is the part where the body and mind reset themselves.

Someday I'm going to be with someone, and I need to start with a clean slate with them when it comes to the physical side of the relationship. Many think that is the easiest part to get over. However, when it is very tightly connected with the emotional side of the relationship, it takes on a whole new meaning. The part you miss is the intimacy, not the orgasm. I am totally amazed at how deep intimacy can totally change a basic physical act into something very bonding.

After six years you get to a point where you can do things with each other that you could never do even in the early dating process, let alone on a hookup. You learn about each others buttons, what turns the other on (and off), and your sexual psyche begins to adapt your own tastes with your partners.

In order for me to start over, I have to go through this weird asexual time. I just hope it doesn't last too long!

Last post of drama

No more drama. This blog started out on a high note, and has descended into utter depression. Speaking of which, I've figured out that's where I went wrong. Clinical depression isn't something you can ever see until it's too late. I basically was clinically depressed, and then turned to my then partner for emotional support. I needed more than he could give and so he dealt with the strain by distancing himself from it. This in turned caused me to need more support from him as it only subconsciously fueled my depression. He was my depression fix-it drug and I was becoming addicted.

I'm not the same person I was all those months ago. I've changed. I have come out of my depression and am now dealing with how to live on my own. It isn't easy and to all those of you who are doing it, and love it, I say I am very jealous, and in awe.

Having someone around to do things with has made life so much easier to pass my days. And I think I became dependent on it. Being ADD means that you sometimes think far too much. Okay, most of the time. And it's such an incredible feeling to let someone else be the one to help make decisions on what to do next. It's like that old adage about getting through the tough times, "Just put one foot in front of the other." Well for me, I know to do that. What I can't figure out is which foot to move first! ;-)

New toy

I, or should I say, my company, just bought it's first asset. A laptop computer. It's not the dream machine I would like, which would be a 17" Macbook. But for work and stuff, it will do just fine. Dell is running a special and for a 15.4" widescreen, Intel Core Duo 1.63MHz laptop with CD/DVD RW, 1GB RAM and an 80GB hard drive, I don't think the 40% discount was a bad deal.

But the best part about it, is it is a laptop. A portable computer. I'm currently using a desktop, and while it uses a wireless connection, it's not something I can just pickup and take down to the living room and kickback on the couch [AUS: lounge] with. And it has been quite frustrating not being able to separate my business time from personal time on this darn thing.

So now I have a new countdown! 5 more days and I can be free of this office!!! YAY

Eye of the storm

Today has actually been pretty good. After another pool incident, which thankfully took place over the phone, last night was quiet. In fact, Jim (the ex's name) even told me he didn't want to fight. That it makes him sick to his stomach. I wondered to myself, why he fought then. But today and this evening after work has been rather ameniable.

I've figured out that something in has past has caused him to always need to be in control of the situation. I, on the otherhand, am fine knowing the situation is under control. Notice how those two prepositions completely change the context and the attitudes of the persons involved. The one thing that drives him completely insane is not feeling like he is in control of the situation. My decision to end the relationship removed any control he had over it. It also spun his life out of control.

So the drama seems to have quieted down. Which is very good. I am not wasting any more energy on it. Besides, I have to figure out how to get a certain Aussie into the states as well as get my new consulting company off the ground.

Viva la S-Corp!!!

First shot is fired...

Now I'm no saint and the obvious tends to pass right past me. This can be a dangerous combination. Now add a little side of adult ADD and you've got fireworks that would make the White House proud.

You'll have to refer to my previous post if you want the back story. But tonight, I was expecting some "company." Now don't go getting all huffy, Brenton is well aware of this. You do what you have to given the circumstances. But anyway, I figured that my ex, who already has a fairly serious boyfriend, and has had his share of "fun" for the last few months, wouldn't mind. Well, okay, so it was actually a bit rude and inconsiderate of me. I should have told the "company" to come back some other time. It would have really been the respectable thing to do.

But NO.

So, when we are alone, he begins to regale me as to how much he hates the sight of me. How I am the reason that we are in the "mess" we are in. How he cannot stand to be with someone who would just decide that the relationship was over. How every day I was in the house he was going to make my life hell and anyone I invited over he would treat badly.

Then he proceeds to tell me that I am going to move out, sign over the title to the house to him, and he will compensate me for what he thinks my "equity" in the house should be. And it would just be enough to get an apartment.

??????????

Between the personal attacks and the absurdity of his offer I was rather stunned and confused. I apologized for being an incosiderate ass, and not telling my "company" to go. But the rest of it was this seething pot of anger, resentment and hatred that found me as its target. Yes I hurt him. I didn't think it was possible, but for the first time in our "relationship" I finally realized that was how he dealt with being hurt. Anger, and lots of it.

I actually felt sorry for him. Not pity sorrow, just compassion. Sorry that he stood there and held back tears with hate. Sorry that I brought this out in him. I think he has known this about himself for a long time, and he hates the fact that I do this to him. He hates the fact that I bring something he finds despicable to the surface. Something that reminds him too much of someone or something else in his life that he has tried so hard not to imitate.

...

Obviously nothing has been resolved. I even had to call my mother and wake her up I was so upset. Brenton called me as well. And between the two of them my head and heart are in a better place now. Speaking of better places, my bed is calling.

Let the drama begin...

I'm coming home from the gym, Kelly Clarkson is on the radio, a dance version of "Behind these Hazel Eyes" [I can relate to that song, so don't be hatin'!], and the garage door is wide open. Ohmygawd, I can't believe I left it open! Is anything stolen? What the hell am I going to do? Being robbed because I was negligent would be the worst thing for me right now.

Oh wait, not it's not. My ex is home, and he's unloading his vehicle. THAT'S THE WORST thing for me right now. Oh well, I knew this was going to happen.

So far it's been rather amicable. But the house hasn't come up yet. Stay tuned...

Talk about infuriating...

Okay... I haven't really gotten super angry since the whole breakup. It's just not in my nature to either get boiling mad or stew over something. But I just had a quick conversation on yahoo with my ex. He's wanting to know how soon I am moving out of the house. Now I've checked with the title company and the mortgage company just to be sure I know where I stand. We are both on the mortgage, and the title is held as joint tenants (similar to any married couple). Now this means that by deafult I am a 50% owner in the property.

Let me back up a few months. He came home from training for a weekend. When he left, we went to Starbucks and he told me that I didn't have to worry about moving out right away when he got back. It was an understood decision that he wanted to keep the house and that I was going to move out. This lead me to believe that I would have some time to get things in order and deal with the house and find a new place to live. So I'm thinking I'd at least be able to stay through the summer, get ahead financially, etc.

So now, in the conversation, he wants to know how soon I'm moving out. And he's rather insistent about it, claiming the house will soon be his. Well... Now don't get me wrong, I'm not out for gold. I didn't get into this relationship to mooch, in fact, it's been nearly the opposite. I've paid for my half of everything. Most of the "stuff" in the house is mine. I'm the one that has taken care of the yard, done all the landscaping even did most of the interior painting. I've taken care of this house while he was gone, his cats, the pool, everything. Usually without much help from him. So other than the obvious awkwardness that I'm sure will ensue when he has his "company" over, I see no reason to just up and bail on something that I have given myself to for the last 2 years.

I've spoken with a lawyer and I know what I am legally entitled to. If he is aware of the same facts, I have to assume he thinks that I am ignorant and can be persuaded otherwise. Now, granted, I tend to be a bit naive about things. Actually, it's more of a trust thing. But I REFUSE to just walk away from this. The equity that my mortgage payments have been generating over the last 4 years [two houses] isn't something I can just leave, especially in the Bay Area where the cost of living ain't cheap.

I'm not going to let this ruin my entire weekend. I actually have plans today and tomorrow and I'm looking forward them! This is the first time in a very long time that I've been excited. I'm not going to see Brenton for quite some time (and that's a whole other bucket of hell) and I want to go out and not have to have something in the back of my mind nagging at me.

Well, the drama is about to start. I'm sure I'll be posting regularly once the ex is home. I don't like drama. I'm usually a drama free zone. But these next few weeks/months could make any daily soap opera look like a child's story.

Two heads...

Happy Independence Day!!

Brenton and I are now making a conjoined effort to get him here to the US. I've posted to the chorus and already heard some positive responses in regards to jobs. We're keeping our fingers crossed on this one!

All day there has been an outdoor party in the park near my house. I've been listening to a very broad range of hip hop music. From what I can tell, and trust me I'm no expert, it's not recorded, it local talent. Not really sure what hip hop in the park is supposed to sound like, but I'm guessing that I don't have a valid example at this point in time.

Other than that I've just finished planting the last of the plants for the backyard, and

I'm headed into the city this evening to watch the fireworks from Hot Cookie Dan's place. I'm going in with good friends from Napa. This should be interesting. i'll more than likely have to wear a coat and it's the friggin' 4th of July. Back home in Oklahoma you would need a misting bottle and tall glass of lemonade.

Speaking of Oklahoma, I had to call me ex to get a number for a friend of ours who lives in Oklahoma City. I lost his number when I lost my phone a few weeks ago in Chicago. Apparently the ex will be heading back this way at the end of the week. If I know him he'll take several days to get back. So the countdown is on!!! Unfortunately it's not as happy a countdown as it was with Brenton coming.